…in which we discuss whether it’s better to have a frugal wedding OR a big wedding that your guests help pay for by pitching in some cash.
Joe:
I saw this on Pinterest yesterday:
That’s unique, isn’t it? It’s already been pinned about 1200 times, so I’m not the only one who saw it and had an opinion.
The average cost of a wedding is skyrocketing. According to popular wedding site TheKnot.com, the price tag on an average wedding reached an all-time high of $29,858 in 2014. That’s a TON of money! How do you pay for it?
I think you have two options. Number one is to do less. Cut more. Kick people off your guest list, skip the dinner, save on entertainment, use paper plates…..all things that make the event smaller and more frugal.
Some people don’t necessarily have that option.
If you have a huge family and can’t cut the guest list, there are some sacrifices you’ll have to make, but what about asking your guests to help chip in for the wedding?
Your guests already fund much of your newlywed status by bringing gifts. Why not ask them to give a little bit and give them something in return? ….like cake in the face of either the bride or the groom?
Kathleen:
I remember the first wedding I went to with a money ask. I think it was called the “dollar dance” and it was basically what you’d expect: the bride and groom dance together, and for a dollar you can cut in with either side. I watched this and thought, “why on earth are they doing this?” I think they “made” around $40 from their friends and relatives. Mostly relatives. It didn’t sit right with me.
You don’t have to tell me how expensive weddings are — holy smokes, I learned that lesson myself last year — but I think asking for a few bucks in this way is tacky. A cash bar saves you way more than a “cake in the face” tip jar (and let’s not talk about how likely you are not to come out ahead after you buy wine glasses, then do whatever crafting you need to do to bling it out) and is a lot less offensive.
Nickel and diming your friends and family, especially if they’ve gotten on a plane, train, or an automobile, feels icky. You should be thankful they’ve taken time off work in order to spend your special day with you.
The way I feel about this is the same way I feel about flying Southwest instead of Frontier Airlines. They’re similarly priced discount airlines, but once you get to the airport, the similarities end. Southwest lets me check two bags for free while Frontier has a weird pricing model that charges me more to carry on a bag than to check it. Southwest hands out free drink tickets like it’s their job, while you have to pay money to have a soda on Frontier. Sure, both airlines get you from point A to point B in the same general manner, but one leaves you happy while the other makes you grumpy. So, I’m all for cutting costs where you can, and making things as frugal as possible, but I draw the line at giving my friends and family a “Frontier Airlines” experience.
Joe:
I don’t know. I come from a family that would get mad if you DIDN’T have a dollar dance. It’s such a piece of the wedding culture where I’m from that it’s expected.
Doesn’t it depend on the tone of your wedding? If you emphasize the fun of the cake throwing versus the “help me pay for this big huge wedding” you’re going to come off as less cheesy. If I attended a wedding and you asked me to put a buck in the jar to throw cake either the bride or groom, I’d probably put a $10 in one. Not because I like the activity (or really care) but because I want to help out the new couple.
I just finished a mastermind call about the importance of “asking for help.” Is that part of the discussion here? Should the bride and groom be asking for help?
Kathleen:
You know what, maybe you’re right. In fact, I think I agree: it all comes down to tone. If your wedding is bare bones (and hey, there’s nothing at all wrong with that!) and you’re asking for help because you really are trying not to go into debt for one party, that’s one thing. But in my mind, you have to be careful. Did your flowers cost $5,000? Maybe this kind of thing isn’t for you, then. But if you’re having a wedding on a weekday or at a time where you’re not expected to provide dinner, your guests will understand that you’re doing what you can to cut costs. So hold a dollar dance, or promote the cake smash (HULK SMASH!), but be careful.
Joe:
I love it when women agree with me.
BUT even at an expensive wedding, depending on the culture, it might be acceptable. In our family, the dollar dance was seen as a time when each guest got a few moments alone with the bride and groom. The dollar was incidental. It was protocol to have it. In fact, I remember my dad getting mad at a couple weddings we attended that DIDN’T have it. He thought that if he was invited to a wedding, he should get a couple minutes to talk to them and thank them for inviting us. He really didn’t care about the dollar.
I’m not sure how that applies to the cake smash….it probably doesn’t. In that case, it has much more to do with the overall tone.
Kathleen:
Right, I think the thing that matters is to make sure what you’re doing fits with your family’s culture. The only way to find out? Ask your mom. Ask your future mother-in-law. Ask your aunt. Then, do whatever you want. It’s your wedding, and you’re never going to please everyone anyway.
I’m not okay with that. I think it’s awkward, and I’d feel put on the spot. Plenty of people give money as gifts at weddings, so I think that’s enough.
Then again, I hate the tradition of cake smashing. The bride worked so hard to look her best. Why would you mess that up? My husband was threatened about that prior to our wedding. And that tux is probably rented, people!
Yeah, if you want your tone to be silly, I guess it kinda fits. Or if money is really tight and you’re struggling to cover even a bare bones reception. But most people spend thousands for the big day, so it feels tacky.
If you really want money, ask for gift cards rather than items. Then put whatever you would have spent into savings/against the bills for the event. Don’t make guests feel weird about not giving on top of whatever gift they’ve already bought.
Not you, too, Abigail! I’m feeling ganged up on. 🙂
While I’m not into cake smashing, if you were getting married and had a little contest to decide who had the cake smashed in their face, I’d participate….without really feeling anything either way. (Cheryl & I didn’t cake smash either….btw).
But would you really feel weird if you didn’t throw money into the cake smashing “buckets”? I don’t think I would, and even if I were the groom, I wouldn’t frown on people who didn’t participate.
Well, that’s what ya get for sharing an opinion online! I have a slightly overactive guilt complex, so yeah I’d feel strange thinking they expected it. Maybe I’m strange. Well, I’m definitely strange, but in this specific aspect, I mean.
I just think expectations these days are awfully high for people who are just supposed to be thrilled they found the love of their lives. I’ve heard about brides who complain if someone gives a gift less than the cost of the meal. To me, it’s kinda in the same vein as that. Or that’s how I’d feel anyway.
Ha! You’re right. You mean this blog gets published ONLINE? Who knew…. 😉
Holy crap, really? (I’m now amazed by your comment about brides “expecting” gifts from guests). If that’s true, then I’m with you….I was just happy to see people actually at my wedding (about 250). I had no preconceived ideas about what they’d gift me.
However, somebody gave me a crystal frog. The tag came off, so we have no idea who gave it to us. Now, who the hell looks at me and thinks, “Joe needs a crystal frog!” You know…crystal frogs….for the guy who has everything BUT that.
Couldn’t agree more, Abigail! Expectations are so high.
I cannot imagine asking guests to chip in on the wedding costs. I grew up very poor so an expensive wedding is unheard of to me. However, even if you “come from money” I’m guessing that not every single guest or member of the wedding party is flush with cash. They have probably already spent money by attending the wedding or showers.
Right, but did they have dollar dances where you grew up? Where I lived they were always expected.
Right? I think it would be MORE forgivable if you did a dollar something at a simple wedding vs. an extravagant one.
I think Kathleen should have stuck to her guns. lol! I agree…people often have to come from distances, stay at a hotel, etc. I don’t think extra money should have to be thrown the bride and groom’s way. But I guess if someone does have it at their wedding, there is no obligation to participate.
Tonya, you too? Ugh….somebody’s got to come join the right side of this discussion.
HA, I still wouldn’t do it, but hey, if the dollar dance is an honored tradition, then who am I to argue?
I’m with AbigailP about cake smashing ruining the bride’s carefully cultivated looks and possibly upping the cost of the tux rental.
(Full disclosure: AbigailP is my daughter and I *may* have been the one doing the threatening prior to her wedding.)
Besides, to me it seems like thinly veiled hostility — bullying in terms of a “ha ha, can’t you take a joke?” after you’ve been smeared with frosting in front of a room full of people who are laughing at you. The first time I saw a cake smash I wanted to cry.
Never heard of a dollar dance until fairly recently. Myself, I think you should have the wedding you can afford vs. expecting others to pay for it. If you invite people over for dinner, do you hand everyone a bill after clearing the table?
Then again, I’m known to be kind of, um, strident on this issue:
http://donnafreedman.com/2010/05/20/the-wedding-gift-as-price-of-admission/
EXACTLY. I should try that next time I have people over. “Oh, you liked the chicken? Great, $9 would be appreciated.”
I’m with Joe. We had a dollar dance at our wedding and most everyone expected to have one! I think it might be cultural. I married in Michigan (Joe?) and we had a Polish themed reception. Another way to say “Hi” to the hundreds of attendees, if just for a minute. Plus it was voluntary, although many threw 5’s, 10’s and 20’s our way, but not out of obligation. It wasn’t awkward at all.
Why not ask them to pay for the car and the house too! Weddings don’t have to be expensive. If you don’t have the money, and even if you do, why waste so much on one day? Most of us guys can’t even remember what the date of that was anyway 😉 (Just kidding) For me the first rule is never say the word wedding when talking to any vendors. Make up a story, and tell them you have a small budget. Think outside the box and look for different ways to hold an event that doesn’t cost much.
I think the $1 dance is fine because it’s innocent fun. I’m more focused on the nickel and dime-ing at the bar. When we planned our wedding, my major request is that we had an open bar, even if it meant we had to cut back elsewhere. I hate it when you buy a nice gift and travel to a wedding, only to pay $5 a beer all night. So, we had unlimited wine at our wedding… with the nice 30% discount provided by the winery we were members of, it made it an affordable luxury. We had about 100 guests and the tab was a little over $1,000, and we were able to take home all the open bottles. Score for us!